Life is not for wimps; or so they say. I believe that. I really do after the last couple of years. Aside from the normal politics, economic and jobs issues, international war and pandemic scares, there’s the other 500-pound gorilla in the room; health.
I had an interesting discussion with an old Aikido student recently in which he shared how someone he knew (a relative I think) views life and aging. If I can get this right; you know you’re getting old when all the actors, actresses, and singers you grew up start dying off because they are older than you. For me that’s guys like John Wayne and David Bowie.
Then you really start feeling old when your family starts dying off since everyone (except possibly your brother, sisters, and cousins) are older than you (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles). Then you really, really start feeling it (the grim reaper staring over your shoulder) when all your high school graduating class starts to go. And then the only thing worse is the loss of a child or the loss of your sibling’s or a close friends’ child who are supposed to outlive you, but for whatever perverse reasoning the universe has up its sleeve, they pass before you do.
He told me that theory of life and death and then he said, “At some point you look up and realize that it’s over and you have no future”; in effect implying that once you hit a certain age that you are basically (not to pun movies or tv shows) “Deadman Walking” or “Walking Dead”.
I thought about it at that point and half-way considered that maybe he was right. I had just turned 68 and according to the insurance mortality tables for a man born in 1951 I, having just turned 68, shouldn’t live past 72 ½ even though today’s male life expectancy is 78 ½. Then I mentioned to him that last year alone three of my wife’s relatives, five people I went to high school with and two of my neighbors had all passed. I found the high school deaths on-line from the mortuary in my hometown where they still lived but who knows how many others passed in other parts of the country that I don’t know about. What I do know is that every 5 years my high school reunions are progressively smaller.
Well, thanks to him and that cheerful conversation I had to take that one home and think about it over at least 2 really stiff martini’s and then wine with supper. And the next day a cigar on the front porch washed down with a stout beer that was so dark it looked like “death at midnight” (groan) which helped me to process that thought experiment. And then I decided, “Nope. That’s just not right and not even on the mark; not even close. That boy was totally off the mark and I think I am to ignore it”.
Consider: if we measure our future by how much time we “think” we “should” have left and then compare that to the reality of life, the universe, and all that, then really and truly none of us have any future at all and therefore should just live like a monk in a cave and not plan for anything other than “one bowl, one robe, one depressing sutra repeated 10,000 times” shortly followed by a sky-burial.
Think about it. A 3-year-old baby dies of cancer so where was the future that we think the child should have had? Where did that 80 years go? Until the child became ill, he should have already been planning for the next 80 years. It was just the universe striking out that determined his fate; but not knowing when the universe will strike is no reason to not plan for as much future accomplishment and life as you can.
Think about the other end of the time-line. A 70 year old man is diagnosed with heart disease or cancer. Everyone looks at him as being 70 and therefore close to his life expectancy of 78.5 years as per the insurance mortality tables and therefore having no future at all so why plan anything other than tonight’s martini and bedtime?
Everyone forgets however that with a change in life-style that the progression of his heart disease could be stopped and possibly reversed. They also forget that depending upon what the cancer diagnosis was, that the 70 year could have another 10 to 15 years to go; maybe even 20. I know of one individual whose father is now in his early 80’s, just got re-married and who was diagnosed with prostate cancer over 20 years ago. Should he have just given up and not have planned for a future?
I know of a man who is a 5-year survivor of pancreatic cancer which is normally fatal within 6 months. Should he have given up and just mentally passed away right there on the spot? Does he know exactly “when” the universe will strike? Should he plan for no future; or make his future until it’s not?
I know of a Sensei who teaches iai, ken, and jodo who was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Hormone treatments keep him going and he plans for future training events and gradings by bringing over Japanese Sensei. Does he know exactly “when” the universe will strike? Should he not plan for a future; or should he charge into his future waiving his katana until he can’t?
If no one can predict how long the 3-year-old has for his future then no one can predict how long the 50, 60, or 70-year-old has for theirs. It’s just not possible to determine the roll of the dice. You can die at 50 just as easily as you can die at 80 so should you stop having a future at either of those ages? Maybe the 80-year-old makes it to 100 (I know at least one of those) and maybe the 50 year old makes it to next week. Should either “not” have a future?
Some say that the older we get the more we’re living on borrowed time. Yes. That’s true, but so is the 3-year-old child, the 20-year-old college student, the 50 year old father or mother of 2, or the 65 or 70 year old with prostate cancer or some other medical condition that may be curable or manageable over a long term that could actually give another 10, 15, or 20 years.
How much life and planning can one live over the next 20 years? Certainly, as much as the 50-year-old and maybe even the college student mapping out his professional career over the next few decades (with him having no idea as-to whether he’ll live that long or die in a DUI car accident after a fraternity rush party). When will any of them be struck by the “Cosmic Concrete Truck”? 20 years is enough time to go back to college and have a second career if you want. If you can’t say with certainty how much time is left, then you can’t say that any single person has “no future”.
Now it is true that all this existential discussion comes to an end at some point. On a long enough timeline, the rate of survival for everyone hits absolute zero and as a good friend who himself is healthy and an active senior teacher in a dojo and who will never see his 80th birthday again say, “None of us are getting out of this alive”.
If you’re still alive at age 110 and possibly can’t get very far away from your couch, then all that future planning may be limited to the next glass of wine and the next tv show. “Hmmm? Red wine or a nice Pinot? Nurse, please pass the water crackers with a little crumble of stilton. Thank you so much”. And if you look up one day at age 30 and are diagnosed with something clearly fatal that is not curable, treatable, or manageable then that’s another story. But for the rest of us, giving up on our future is a nihilistic decision and is to be avoided regardless of our age or medical issues; all else being even.
How long will you live if you’re 5 years old, 10, 20, 40, 50, 70? If you don’t know then you absolutely should be planning on that new job, career change, college degree, vacation, or if you’re in martial arts and are still at Shodan, get cracking on planning for and making 6th dan. If you were planning on quitting the dojo and stopping your training, or if you’re a Sensei running the place and thinking about closing the doors …. just don’t. Find a younger guy to take it over and pass it down and stay on the mat while you plan that next big vacation with the wife and go to Hawaii, or Banff, or the Cayman's, or take that African safari. Who cares if it will take 3 years of planning? Remember; if you don’t know the when and the how right now at this moment, then you do have a future to plan for so stop hesitating about committing every time someone talks about an event that won’t occur until next year.
If you are above ground looking at the green side of the grass instead of under it looking at the brown side of the grass, you have a future that cannot be determined. Make the most of it and just ignore the fatalistic naysayers (and stay away from them too since they are what many people call a “Debbie-Downer”). No one likes a Debbie-Downer anyway and besides …. most of the time Debbie doesn’t take good ukemi so find another uke.
L.F. Wilkinson Kancho
The Aikibudokan
Houston, TX
February 10, 2020
Over the past several years, for a variety of reasons, I’ve really embraced Stoicism.
A facet of Stoicism is contemplating the issues you’ve written about. No one has any real answers. We can only face life bravely.
For the record, I’m 62 and recently watched my favorite sister in law die of brain cancer at 52. But for the grace of God go I.
Posted by: Rick Matz | February 10, 2020 at 05:27 PM